Wednesday, April 15, 2009
12Hrs of Tears- Leaving Japan
It was the last day~ I got up early to finish the rest of my packing and get ready for sakura house inspection. As planned I phoned Ryuu somewhere between 8-9am. There was no answer. I suppose he's still sleeping. Oh well, still got lots of time.
I finished cleaning and made a few trips to the phone to keep calling him. I was getting a bit worried. He needs to wake up~
I was expecting Sakura House at 1100am but I think i made a mistake and they were supposed to come at 1200pm. I took a nap while i waited. They came and did the inspection and it was very quick. I made another trip to the pay phone and kept calling.. still no answer.. I was starting to worry he might now wake up in time... I then bought some lunch at Family Mart and Sakura House people left and gave me back my deposit.
I though I'd sit down for lunch and then try the phone again. So I did just that... still no answer.. whats going on??? I was really getting worried by now. I went back and waited around for a bit and then tried again at 130 still nothing... I got Lee to mail him to ask where he is and to give him my vancouver contact just in case theres a lost of connection. I was wondering if he never intended to go to vancouver at all but Lee said no, he was talkign to her and he told her he really realy really really wanted to go and was excited for the trip. at around 145 I called and called and called and called. I was determined to call until he picked up.
Eventually someone picked up and it wasnt him. I was confused and thought maybe i accidentally punched the wrong number once. I called again and the same person picked up and replied that it was their number and that a friend just recently gave the phone back to them... that was odd... I was feeling really lost of what to do... but there was no more time left. It was 2pm and I have to be at the airport and check in at 4pm.
I tried to make my way to Shibuya stn by myself with all my 4 pieces of luggage [2 large carry-ons and 1 super sized lugguage and 1 med size one] They were both very heavy... It started to rain. I made it to about Donki Hotei and realized even though its a short walk i cant make it like this and got a cab to drive me the rest of the way. The cab driver was really nice and had a bit of a convo with him about Vancouver.
I got to the station and dragged my luggage to the JR line section. I realized theres no way i can bring up all my luggage at the same time up the stairs by myself. But I tried anyway. A jrocker looking german lady and her Japanese friend helped me carry it up the stairs. They were so kind.
As I waited for the train to get to Shinjuku, I started to cry. I tried hard no to and kept wiping my tears away. I pulled myself together when the train arrived and struggled to move my lugguage on board. A host behind me noticed and helped me get the lugguage on board. He was asking where was I going. I told him I am returning to Japan and the basic why I was here etc etc. He asked me why was I crying. I told him that my boyfriend is supposed to come with me but he disappeared... and tears started to stream down my face again. He was really kind and wiped the tears of my face and said don't cry...
I again pulled myself together and asked him where he was going. He told me Shinjuku. I asked are you a Host? and he was surprized that I knew that. [long dyed hair, flashy suit with a pretty pin, pointy fancy shoes what else? LOL] He said yes and asked me how did I know and did i ever visit a host club before. I told him that my boyfriend is a host and he asked if i visited his club often. I told him that he was one before but at the time he isn't but he will return to it.
It was Shinjuku station... and omg.. i hate that station it was huge and I needed to buy the Narita Express ticket. The host helped guide me to people who can lead me to it. He needed to go off to work and so he said goodbye and told me that things will be fine, take care, don't cry.
I bought the ticket but still not sure where to go from there also I needed to go to the washroom -_-lll. A lovely couple helped look after my luggage as I took a short trip to the washroom and lead me to where I needed to go.
It was a long haul to the platform still and my arms were getting super tired. A cleaning man assisted me 3/4 of the way through and helped bring my luggage up. I boarded the Narita express and began to burst into tears... til i fell asleep.
Eventually I woke up and watched the scenery as I passed by and soaked it in.. these are my last moments in Japan. I got to the Narita terminal at around 500pm and a man in uniform helped me bring my luggage up. He asked me why I had so much stuff i said i did alot of shopping and that i was there for a month. He directed me where to go.
I quickly checked-in and headed towards to gate. I didn't want to be late like last time. I looked a bit at the shops. I didn't really want anything. I just bought a little phone thing for my moms dear friend and haichu.
I got to my Gate at around 6:15. I looked at the boards to see if there were any other flights from Tokyo to Vancouver and there wasn't. I still was hopping that maybe he made it to the airport on his own...
I got to the gate and was pulled over. Apparently there were 3 lighters in my lugguage. 0_ol We searched through it and found 1 and took it out. but could not find the rest, however there was no more time and they told me that they will send it via the next plane tmr.
I boarded the plane and was anxious til take off was over to check out if he was there. There was a delay and I was irritated.. Eventually take off started and ended and I took a walk around.. and as i knew in my heart.. he was not there..... I sat back down in my seat and cried.
The plane ride was from 700pm-430am Japan time. I felt like my heart was breaking in pieces and kept bursting into tears. I felt so alone...
I eventually stoped crying at around 230am and just sat there blankly after awhile.. I was exausted and fell asleep right through til the end of landing. I felt a bit sick in the stomach and felt so shitty when I arrived in Vancouver. However it didn't pass me that I was happy that the weather was soo beautifully sunny. And yes, Khea you were right, the sky is truly so beautifully blue in Vancouver.
I got through customs and picked up my luggage and walked out. My mom was waiting for me in the front row. I really looked like shit. My hair was ragged from the rain, my face was puffy from crying and I was exhausted from the flight and lugging my luggage all over the place. My parents were both there. My mother and my Father. They welcomed me home and worried about me.
My mom didnt tell my dad that it was my boyfriend who was supposed to come with me but just a friend. I came to my mom and hugged her so tightly I was home and i couldn't help but cry again.
I felt so sick........
My father helped us bring the luggage to the car and we went to the doctors for a few things. After that we went to save-on to pick up my prescription and at at McDs. I explained everything to my mom on what happened and some details about my trip. But by then it was about 9am tokyo time and I was exhausted. We went home and I was swept off on how beautiful and LARGE my place is. I then plopped on my bed and I slept for a bit. I had a dream he was still with me and we went to the airport together and exited to meet my family.. i woke crying because i couldn't believe he was suddenly not by my side anymore...
I talked to my mom for a bit. I felt soo odd. Van is so different from Tokyo.. I still was thinking in half Japanese. [like some words would come up in my head in Japanese first rather than english like omiyage] Tokyo just felt like a beautiful dream somehow. Just kind of like when I was in Tokyo, Vancouver seemed to be some sort of bad dream I woke up from.
We talked some more and I told her more in depth my adventures in Japan and all the things from when we met til the end. I was so hurt because I didn't have closure and he wouldn't stop appearing my mind. Everytime i close my eyes I dreamed of him. I told my mom all my thoughts and all the possibilities why maybe he disappeared. I also told her that through-out my relationship because of not having fluency on my side I could not read him like local boys as well. I was constantly wondering if he was just toying with me or if he really was sincere that he loved me and all the things he said. Signal-wise it was all true but hes a host and a very good one, he probally would be able to fake this feeling.
My mom helped me out by asking the universe some questions via pendulum. Believe it or not.. these things are often accurate. I myself is very in tuned with this sort of thing. She asked:
Did Ryuu disappear for both our sake : no
Did Ryuu disappear for Shannon's sake: yes
Did Ryuu disappear for his sake: no
Did Ryuu love Shannon for the 2 weeks they were togehter: yes
Is his heart hurting as well: yes
Is he still thinking about her now: yes [the pendulum swung quite violently for this one]
Am I influencing the answers: no
Is Shannon influencing the answers: no
Will they ever meet again: no
Looking back on our two weeks I figured for sure at the beginning I was just his new play toy. But maybe about half way through, he started to really fall for me. As he found out slowly more and more about me, about my life and future plans before i met him and how he would change everything, and how my friends all think hes not good enough, he told me that maybe it would be better for me to find a better man briefly once. There was wave in his voice that he was sad to say it.
Probably he decided not to go last minute because.. he thought he could not make me happy in the end and I am better off without him. He didn't break up with me before hand and just disappeared last minute because it hurts too much to say goodbye... and wanted to enjoy the very last minute we had left together...
I know it was for the best... however it still hurts so much.......